Brag Much?

I have never had a good record as a student much less an unequalled record of success as one. Always saw studying as an unendurable experience, executed in the name of examination. Hence my quest in re-skilling the students with insights on what to expect in the years to come. In marking test papers, I would emphasize on English. They saw this as a threat. duh. If your sentence doesn't make sense, you can't make out your point kan.

I don't expect perfect comprehension of English or law for that matter. One's effort in improvising and developing one's skill is always commendable. I have great respect for this one particular student, Mustaqim. Very participative and committed, regardless of his sometimes incomprehensible English. Can't express my admiration for him much, but regard this as my being extremely complimentary about his efforts. Deserving of the 10% participation marks, totally. That was last semester.

The Kuliyyah had recently informed me that out of 16 part-timers, I am ranked at no. two. Muzaffar (very brilliant) scored 95.6% for the TER (Teaching Efficiency Rate or something). I scored 94.7%. The gap with the rest; quite a gap. For that, I am humbled and thankful. Don't mean to brag much. It's just that this is the first time of my attaining what I perceive as satisfaction. I was never great at whatever I did previously. Just the beginning, nothing to be proud of.

So now, the Head of Department persuaded me to apply this Fellowship scheme, to further Phd abroad. Once apply, granted, just go. But I feel it's too early to be doing that. Plus, baru nak settle down. Bile pulak nak dapat anak (InsyaAllah). haha. But in all seriousness, I have not the heart (yet) to be part of the teaching staff. Plus, talk is rife that it's hard to gain admittance as a lecturer. Furthermore, am unsure whether I can blend in with the familiar-yet-so new environment. It does get depressing at times when you are neither there nor here. Very inexplicably weird feeling. Can't seem to iron out my thoughts. What is it that I really want.